Written by the original maker of tiger's blood, Matt Cauz
Before we get to this week's blog/rant/column I heard this great stat that I thought I would share. Last season Lebron James as a member of the Cleveland Cavaliers went 61-21. For the Heat just to record that same record they are going to have to run the table for the rest of the season! I guess this means that Anthony Parker and Jamario Moon are as good as Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh.
I was trying to decide what to write about this week. I haven't watched enough College Basketball to preview March Madness, at least not yet anyway and quite frankly I'm tired of NFL Labour talks. Charlie Sheen? I already have October 18th, 2011 in my death pool. As a NY Giants fan I was tempted to complain about the return of Tiki Barber, but really does anyone care? Tiki reminds me of a Dolphin. They are cute, but both are wildly overrated. We need a Tiki return like we need another Matthew McConaughey movie. I'll give 'Lincoln Lawyer' about two weeks before its booted out of the theatres.
Instead of pouring through the sports section for ideas (that is in the "Newspaper" for anyone under 25) I decided to do the next best thing, watch 'Revenge of the Nerds'. From football to crazy javelin throws I dare say Nerds is more of a sports film than a comedy. As I was watching Ogre castigate the herd of checker shirts and pocket protectors as "Nerds!" it got me thinking ... are sports fans really the biggest nerds of them all?
Let's break down the easiest nerd to identify, the Star Trek nerd. Here are six basic characteristics that took me about 45 seconds to come up with.
(1) They dress up in silly costumes. (2) Live in their parents basement. (3) Have acquired an ungodly amount of useless information about George Takei. (4) Line up for and attend a myriad of conventions ranging from Star Trek to comic books. (5) Bedrooms look more like the promotions department for Wrath of Kahn than say, a bedroom. (6) Not exactly doing as well with the ladies as Captain James Tiberius Kirk. BONUS for the uber-nerd: They actually learn to speak Klingon! Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick is that both nerdy and useless! Yeah I could learn Chinese which will help in the work force ... ahh F-It I want to recite Hamlet in Klingon.
But let's flip this around for a second and apply these same characteristics to a dude who is "fanatical" about sports ... ie: a "Sports Nerd".
(1) They dress up as their favourite players by wearing their jerseys, paint their faces before games and many of them even wear jerseys out to social events. Listen if you are over 21 stop tucking in your Ray Lewis jersey into your dungarees before hitting the bar. You look goofy.
(2) Many sports nerds eventually will gravitate to sports media which means they will have the lowest paying job of any of their friends. Trust me, you can make more money as a Sharecropper in a Third World Nation than you will as a producer. This eventually leads to them moving back home as they can't afford rent unless they take a basement apartment in Pickering.
(3) This one is easy. How many buddies do you know that can recite every relevant statistic for their favourite pitcher, goalie or running back? If you ran into me on the street I would first wonder why you are running than I could tell you every Super Bowl MVP from Bart Starr to Aaron Rodgers in the amount of time it would take to defend 'The Search for Spock'.
(4) Grown men line up for Pete Rose to sign their baseballs while others spend three hours in traffic to attend an Arizona Cardinals home game. I have been to a Trek convention and have watched Derek Anderson throw a pass, I would argue the convention is more enjoyable.
(5) Two words: Fat Head. If you go to fathead.com right now you are just two easy clicks away from owning your own authentic Lomas Brown fat head mural for your bedroom. Haven't we all suffered from the same problem, not enough Detroit Lions offensive linemen on our walls? I'd say that's at least a push versus a poster of Ricardo Montalban dressed up in fur pelts.
(6) You know what you are NOT doing when you are memorizing stats, going to games, checking out Mel Kiper's mock drafts, meeting girls. Yes there are some women at these events but let's be honest most are a "sports hot" as Bill Simmons puts it; women whose attractiveness is boosted because they are standing with a group of obese men eating brats wearing under sized Warren Sapp jerseys.
BONUS: Oh God that last one is hard to compare with. Hmmm how about men who own season tickets to WNBA games. That is the closest nerd comparison I can come up with to those select few that have dedicated their lives to learning Klingon.
So to all those jocks out there busy giving nerds wedgies and stealing their lunch money, look deep inside your soul I think you'll find a little bit of nerd in you. Of course you'll also find used condom wrappers, invites to jacquzzi parties, ski vacations ... you know what let me join in NERDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!